At Home

Husband is sitting in the first floor living room. Wife is upstairs, getting ready.

Wife: How cold is it outside?

Husband turns head, not sure if he heard something or not.

Wife: HOW COLD IS IT OUTSIDE?

Husband: Are you talking to me?

Wife: No, I’m talking to Shirley MacLaine—of course I’m talking to you!

Husband: Hello. What can I do for you?

Wife: You better get your ears checked for starters! In the meantime, how cold is it outside?

Husband: How would I know?

Wife: Well, is it snowing?

Husband: Did you try looking out the window, just like I’ll have to do to see if it’s snowing?

Wife: I’m doing my hair!

Husband: Does the window in the bathroom go dark when you do your hair?

Wife: Watch your tone! I can’t see out the window when I’m using the curler.

Husband: Good God.

Wife: I heard that! Will you just look?

Husband: Okay, okay.

Husband turns and sees it is not snowing outside.

Husband: It’s not snowing.

Wife: I see some snow coming down—you have to look real hard.

Husband: Okay, it is snowing! Thanks for the update.

Wife: I heard that. How cold is it out?

Husband: How should I know?

Wife: Well, you’re closer to the door than I am—can’t you stick your head out the door and tell me how cold it is?

Husband: Good Lord.

Husband gets up and shuffles to door, opens it, leans out, leans back in and closes the door.

Husband: It’s not bad out.

Wife: What does that mean? How cold is it?

Husband: I guess it’s around forty degrees, something like that.

Wife: Well how cold is forty degrees?

Husband: It’s eight degrees warmer than freezing.

Wife: Will I need to wear a heavy coat?

Husband: That’s okay by me.

Wife: Will I be warm enough in a light jacket?

Husband: I really don’t know. If it were me, I would wear something warmer than a light jacket.

Wife: Well, I’m not you. I have a pale gray jacket that would go great with my blouse and slacks.

Husband: And…

Wife: Do you think it will be warm enough?

Husband stares into blank space for a minute.

Husband: Hello?

Wife: What now?

Husband: Am I done now? Can I sit back down?

Wife: Would you mind starting the car for me?

Husband: Sure.

Husband shuffles off to kitchen. He stares at refrigerator for a minute and then shuffles back to living room.

Husband: Hello?

Wife: Now what?

Husband: Did you just ask me to do something?

Wife: I asked you to start the car.

Husband: Thank you.

Husband shuffles back to kitchen and grabs car keys. He goes to garage in his robe, starts car and returns to kitchen and on into living room.

Husband: You’re all set.

Wife: What? Speak up!

Husband: I said you’re all set—the car is running.

Wife: Thank you.

Husband: You’re welcome.

Wife: You’re what? Don’t mumble!

Husband: YOU! ARE! WELCOME!

Wife: Watch your tone! You don’t have to get sarcastic!

Husband: I love you.

Wife: Will I need to wear boots?

The End