Domestic Affairs: London
“I was below stairs, preparing a little something, I think you know what I mean,”
“Of course,”
“I heard Prudence upstairs making claims that twenty-six pounds had gone missing from a porcelain piggy-bank that we keep in the guest room. A moment later I heard footsteps descending, accompanied by accusations that I must be the culprit!”
“Rubbish!”
“Whatever did you do?”
“I spoke right up! I told Prudence that she must be mistaken,”
“Where do you suppose she got such a ridiculous notion?”
“Precisely. I explained to her once again that as much as I would like to contribute to the income of this household, my high arches prevent me from gaining full-time employment. Further more, if she had nothing better to do than to find fault with me, she could simply turn around and go back upstairs. I also suggested that if finances were so dear to her heart that she might consider finding a position herself!”
“Smashing!”
“A woman can work just as well as a man, or so they claim,”
“Of course,”
“I hinted that she could take in some laundry; perhaps she could find some comfort there,”
“Why of course she could,”
“I don’t believe anyone ever died from doing laundry!”
“I even mentioned trimming lawns! Well, I couldn’t think of everything, but instead of showing any sign of gratitude she merely looked at me and repeated her claim that it was I who had taken the money! Of course, I pleaded innocence—I even mentioned that there was no way on earth that she could prove her claim,”
“Good for you, old man!”
“You gave her as good as you got!”
“Surely, she couldn’t know with certainty!”
“Why, it’s absurd,”
“I finally told her to leave me alone!”
“I say!”
“You didn’t!”
“Good show,”
“I’m afraid I did, and then she glared at me with an intensity that I would have said Prudence was not capable of,”
“She didn’t!”
“Oh, I’ve seen Prudence when she gets angry!”
“Indeed. Well, she continued boring through me with that determined look and, as God is my witness, she struck me! I believe I passed out!”
“No!”
“Prudence?”
“I don’t believe it!”
“Beastly woman!”
“It’s true! I was lying on my back on the floor, looking up at her! She was counting out the twenty-six pounds I had stolen from that wretched little bank, very deliberately I might add, and then she accused me of being a liar and a coward, and then she threatened me with bodily harm! She claimed that she would beat the devil out of me yet! She had left me little choice, so I told her in no uncertain terms that she could take that determined look with her and leave me at once!”
“Bravo!”
“What was she thinking?”
“Good for you!”
“Why that bloody…”
“I insisted that she leave before I became enraged,”
“You were completely justified!”
“I believe I was, thank you. Now comes the most truly remarkable aspect of this whole wicked business—she threatened me! She said that if she were ever to find me again “pinching-the-pig” that she would jolly well make life so miserable for me that I would prefer death over continuance! She had gone completely mad!”
“Surely, she didn’t mean what she had said!”
“Mad as a bloody March Hare!”
“Bitch! I’m sorry, Edward, but someone had to say it,”
“My thoughts, exactly. Then, if you can imagine it, she said I had better find employment, high arch or not!”
“She was out of her senses!”
“Completely unhinged!”
“Bonkers!”
“With that said, she went back upstairs, and quite frankly, if Prudence continues to act this way, I may take up residence at my club--permanently!”
“Good show, old man,”
“Quite.”
“Of course. Have you any more port?”
Domestic Affairs: Atlanta
“I was in the basement, workin’ on a new deal, you know what I mean,”
“Um hmm,”
“and all of a sudden I hear the old lady upstairs a bellerin’ and hollerin’, wonderin’ where the twenty-six bucks is from that porcelain pig cookie jar, and the next thing I know, she’s comes a runnin’ down the stairs, accusin’ me of takin’ the twenty-six bucks,”
“Be careful, girl,”
“Um hmm,”
“And I told her, I said I ain’t got no money,”
“That’s right,”
“Um hmm,”
“You’s a poor man,”
“Then I told her again how I can’t get no job on account of my arch is too high and my feet can’t stand too long, and she could just get out of my basement, woman, and if you want money, you can get a job your own self,”
“Um hmm!”
“A woman can work just like a man,”
“That’s right,”
“Maybe take in some laundry,”
“That’s right!”
“Laundry won’t kill nobody!”
“Or cut lawns or somethin’, and I can’t think of everything, but she just stands there and stares at me and says to me, ‘I know you took the twenty-six bucks, and don’t tell me you didn’t,’ she says, so I tell her, I says to her, woman, I says, you don’t know that for sure,”
“That’s it!”
“Um Hmm,”
“She don’t know for sure!”
“She may think she know, but she don’t!”
“So I says to her I don’t know nothin’ about no money, and I tells her to get outta here woman, let me be,”
“Oh yeah!”
“Um Hmm, um hmm!”
“But then she gets this ‘ugly’ look on her face,”
“Um Hmm!”
“Oh, I seen that face!”
“And she comes at me with that ugly face--and I seen that ugly face many, many times, and before I know what’s happenin’, I see stars,”
“No!”
“Um Hmm!”
“That’s mean!”
“That's a bitch woman!”
“And then I’m flat on my back lookin’ up at that mean woman and she’s countin’ out the twenty-six dollars I took out of the porcelain pig and she says to me, she says, you no good lyin’ wimp, I outta beat the daylights outta you, so I tell her right back, I says ‘Get outta here and take that ugly face with you,”
“That’s right!”
“A man’s gotta stand up!”
“Um hmm!”
“I says to her, woman, leave me alone before I get mad, now get out,”
“Tell it!”
“I says get out, but she just stands there countin’ money and she says to me, if I ever put my hands inside that porcelain pig again, she’ll get on me like pain on a cut-up head,”
“No!”
“That woman didn’t say that!”
“That's just mean!”
“She wasn’t done yet, she says to me if I had any brains at all inside that head of mine, I better get me a job, arches or not,”
“No! No!”
“She didn’t say that!”
“Um hmm!”
“Say what?”
“And then she turns around and high tails it upstairs,”
“Get out!”
“Um hmm!
“That’s right!”
“That woman can just leave and stay out!”
“And I don’t care if I ever see that ugly woman again!”
“Yes!”
“Somebody gotta say somethin’!”
“Um hmm!”
“That’s right!”
“Um hmm!”
Copyright 2010 Tom Roy
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