Somehow I had completely missed the growing phenomenon of Table Shuffleboard in America. I had stumbled across shuffleboard tables in lounges, recreation rooms and community centers from time to time and thought of it as merely a mild diversion for couch potatoes and senior citizens. I was very much mistaken. A week ago, my boss handed me a plane ticket to Vegas to cover “Sufflemania XII," the premier event in all table shuffleboard. It is an elimination competition that allows the winner to face the current champion, the previous year’s winner, also known as the “Master of the World.”
What the hey… it was his money so I packed, got on a plane and took a shuttle bus to my hotel. It was the Cashman Field Convention Center Hotel, which also was the host site for Shufflemania XII. To my amazement, when I made my way to the Convention Hall, which holds 9,000 people, it was packed with fervent fans—many in garish costume! It also smelled like a Bob Marley concert.
In the center of the hall were three, brand-spanking new 22’ Champion Vintage Charleston shuffleboard tables, which go for about ten grand each. Five ceiling spotlights were trained on each table surface and the rest of the room was kept dim. The opening rounds were far more colorful than I had expected, and even though there were a number of memorable moments, I’m going to skip ahead to the main event.
After the winner of the eliminations was determined, a half-hour break was called as the center of the hall was prepared for the main event. The two tables on the left and right were removed and a raised dais was positioned under the center table. An installation crew swept the surface of the table clean and a fresh sprinkling of table wax (actually very tiny silicon balls) was applied and the table leveled to perfection. The room lights went down and the challenger was introduced over the public address system.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Cashman Center and the AASE (American Association of Shuffleboard Enthusiasts) are proud to present the main event of Shufflemania XII—Redemption! Please welcome this year’s challenger. Hailing from Durkee Junction, Nebraska and weighing in at 197 pounds, please welcome this year’s Challenger Supreme, Jimmy “The Dream” Valentine!”
Two large video screens on either side of a double door entrance came alive with footage of The Dream competing at various venues around the country and the speakers blared out the opening strains of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love.” The crowd roared as a spotlight illuminated a deep-tanned, bleach-blonde Jimmy Valentine, wearing pink boots, pink short-shorts, and a pink vest with long white fringe flowing from each shoulder. More than a few women fainted as he made for the dais, blessing a few with a long, lingering kiss along the way.
He took his place at the shuffleboard table and allowed the referee to frisk him for foreign objects. The lights dimmed and the dreadful sound of “I’m So Hood” by G-Unit filled the hall. People got to their feet as insane images of street violence filled the video screens and a spotlight hit the backside of an enormous, silhouetted figure standing in the entrance way.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the five time World Champion and the current Master of the World, hailing from Stuttgart, Germany, and weighing in at 378 pounds, here he is, the Ruler, the SplitKreig, the NudgeMiester, Charles “The Hammer” Kleirkooper!
A spotlight hit the Hammer from the front and the place exploded. Kleirkooper wore a black cape that concealed his body, and he wore a black head mask with zippers encircling the eyes and mouth area—it was a terrifying image. Kleirkooper strode down the aisle defiantly and gave the finger to various by standers (who returned the gesture with considerable zeal) as he approached the center table.
The referee stepped up to give him a frisk but the Hammer stood aside and held up a hand. He unclasped his cape and in one smooth motion swept it aside and let it billow to the floor. He was dressed in a skintight leopard-spotted body-leotard and black boots. He also wore a brilliant orange atheletic cup supporter, on the outside of his leotards! As he was not the overtly sexual animal that Valentine was, I wondered why he bothered with such a device but the crowd seemed to like it. He wore thick leather wristbands and black leather, diamond-encrusted gloves with the thumbs and forefingers cut out of each—the middle finger was fluorescent orange. The referee frisked him while he made defiant gestures to the excited crowd.
It took the crowd some time to settle down, the theme music to die and the competition to begin. Valentine lost the coin toss and had to go first, giving Kleirkooper the advantage for the first round. The crowd quieted as Valentine slid his first puck (also called a weight). It rested in the Brooklyn Corner—a solid three pointer if it remained till the end of the round. The crowd roared.
The Hammer took his place and shoved his first puck with deadly accuracy, displacing Valentine’s and hanging slightly over the edge of the board—a four pointer! The crowd went nuts. Valentine took his time and released his next puck with a dizzying spin. It traveled straight and sure, knocking Kleirkooper’s puck off and ever so slowly spinning toward the center of the board. It was a brilliant shot and the crowd responded in awe.
Kleirkooper threw his next puck surprisingly hard. It knocked Valentines puck off but it, too, careened off the board. The crowd booed its disapproval.
Valentine’s next shot rested in the center of the two-point area. Kleirkooper followed up with an amazing Go-Around, placing his puck just in front of Valentine’s! Valentine studied the board and slid his puck down the left edge of the board with a ton of spin. It traveled straight and sure and then miraculously took a sharp right and rested at the very edge of the board directly in front of Kleirkooper’s! It was in the leading position and with the other pucks in the way it left Kleirkooper with an almost impossible shot.
The crowd hooped and hollered and then suddenly grew quiet as a seductive, blonde woman in a skin-tight yellow t-shirt walked up to the dais, placed her arms around Jimmy Valentine and planted a big kiss right on the lips. The referee went over and scolded the woman for interrupting the competition and warning Valentine to refrain from such behavior. In the meantime, Kleirkooper reached into his cup supporter and pulled out a puck and placed it in the trough while palming the official puck in his left hand! The referee didn’t see any of it, despite the shouts and howls coming from the enraged crowd.
The sinister blonde took a seat and the referee signaled to Kleirkooper to continue play. The crowd booed and hissed and the Hammer turned and gave them all the finger. He placed his puck on the table and slid it down the center of the board with some speed. As the puck approached, the other pucks slid out of the way of Kleirkooper’s puck, off the board! Kleirkooper’s puck didn’t hit anything—the other pucks just flew off the board as if Kleirkooper’s puck was rigged with a magnet or something! Kleirkooper’s puck came to rest hanging over the edge—a solid four!
The referee looked bewildered but awarded the four points to Kleirkooper. The crowd went stark-raving mad. Snacks and beverages were thrown at the referee and chaos ensued. Security Police were summoned to surround the dais and order was partially restored. Kleirkooper had to be escorted out of the hall while Valentine and the referee looked on in stunned disbelief.
A few minutes passed and the crowd was still plenty surely. The Master of Ceremonies, Rex Romano, stepped onto the dais with a microphone and announced that the Shuffleboarding Commission had reviewed the video and has decided to disqualify tonight’s contest and that a rematch would take place tomorrow night following the finals of the teams competition! The crowd shouted its approval. Romano then announced that this would be a sanctioned Cage Match, and would follow Texas rules! The crowd went berserk.
©2010 Tom Roy
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