Alex: “Our first contestant is an industrial designer from Newport Springs, Alabama, Roger Tinglee. It says here that you have an unusual hobby that you and some of your colleagues participate in. What kind of hobby is it?”
Roger (Not looking at Alex): “Well we, uh, don’t speak English until after lunch,”
(Audience giggles uncomfortably)
Alex: “I see, and how many of you are involved in this unusual practice?”
Roger (Staring at desk): “Two,”
Alex: Oh, I see—there are just two of you that do this. What language do you speak before lunchtime?”
Roger (Eyes closed): “We speak Spanish, Alex,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “Interesting. May I ask why you picked Spanish as the language of choice for this interesting custom?”
Roger: “Well, the guy I work with in the morning, Jose, doesn’t speak anything else,”
Alex: “I see, and how long have you spoken Spanish?”
Roger: “About a week,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “Oh, you’ve only done this for one week?”
Roger: “Just about—a couple of days maybe,”
Alex: “Well, good luck to you, Roger, and adios, amigo!”
Roger: “No thanks, Alex, I’ve already eaten,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “I think we need to speak to our contestant screeners,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex moves over to next contestant.
Alex: “Next we have Shirley Shurlee from Shuerleigh City, Kansas, and it says here that you work for ‘Sure Lee Sheep Shearing’ in Shuerleigh City.
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “And what kind of work do you get involved in with Sure Lee Sheep Shearing?”
Shirley: “I shear sheep,”
Alex: “Oh, I see—so the name means exactly what it says. Now, when you shear sheep, how much wool do you shear off?”
Shirley: “All of it,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “What I meant was, how thick is the wool before it’s shorn?”
Shirley: “It’s just as thick after it is cut off, except that then, the wool is on the floor,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “I see. Well, I hope your general knowledge is better than your pathetic interviewing skills, although God only knows why,”
(Audience laughter)
Shirley: “Thank you, Alex,”
Alex: “Save it,”
(Audience laughter)
Alex moves to next contestant.
Alex: “And last we have a Law Student, George Sweethaven of Newark, New Jersey. It says here, George, that you have an unusual ability that you discovered in the third grade and that you still do to this day,”
George: “That’s right, Alex. I can stick out my tongue and touch my nose! Can you?”
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “I don’t know, I…”
(Audience claps in time and chants, Alex! Alex!)
Alex (facing the audience): “Should I try it?”
(Audience continues chanting)
Alex: “Okay, here goes,,,”
Alex sticks his tongue out—it is surprisingly long, but he can’t curl it up and back far enough to touch his nose.
(Audience laughter)
Alex: “That is difficult! George, would you show us how it’s done?”
George: “Sure, Alex—watch!”
George sticks his tongue out just a very little and then raises his left hand and touches his nose with his finger.
(Big audience laughter)
Alex: “You are a low form of life,”
(Audience laughs)
George: “I know, Alex,”
Alex: “I’ve seen things clogging urinal drains that have more charm and appeal than you,”
(Audience laughs)
George: “I know, Alex,”
Alex: “May unpleasant odors precede you always, and now, let’s get back to the game. George, you select,”
George: “I’d like American Presidents for $400,”
Alex: “He was the first one,”
(Buzz)
Alex: “George,”
George: “Who is George Washington?”
Alex: “No.”
(Silence. Time buzzer.)
Alex: “George Washington. You had said “WARSH-shington” like some lame farmer stuck in Fly-Over Indiana, and we were looking for “WASH-ing-ton. Select again,”
George: “I’ll try Disease and Famine for $200, Alex,”
Alex: “Many fled Ireland because of this agricultural plague,”
(Buzz)
Alex: “George,”
George: “What is the Potato Famine?”
Alex: “No.”
(Silence. Time buzzer.)
Alex: “We were looking for Po-Tay-to Famine—not Po-Tah-to Famine. Select again, George.
George: “I’ll try “Itching & Scratching” for $200,”
Alex: “It is the ‘Cause and Effect’ most common to mild skin irritation relief,”
(Buzz)
Alex: “George,”
George: “What is itching and scratching?”
Alex: “No.”
(Silence. Time buzzer.)
Alex: “What is, ‘To itch and to scratch’?”
(Audience laughter.)
Alex: “And we’ll be right back after these announcements,”
(Applause.)
Copyright 2010 Tom Roy
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